Youth Sports Community…Are we surviving or Thriving?

Fall. My favorite of the seasons.

The way mother nature shows off in this space makes me feel small. In the best possible way. It’s like she opens her doors to the behind the scenes for us to sit in awe of. The fall months, for me, are for walking in the woods. And for the month of October, you could find me out on the trails. with my best fur-boy, Bruno, & my husband, Frank, who’s furloughed at the moment and has plenty of time for hikes, & half ironmans, & 50k prepping.

“Into the forest I go to, to lose my mind & find my soul.” -John Muir

In between hikes, us Murphy’s have been walking in a lot of new and celebrating some old.

My son entered his high school era joining his school’s soccer team. These past few months have been filled with new and firsts. New friends, new coaches, new teachers, new adventures and experiences. Like breaking his collarbone playing soccer and getting sidelined for the last month. But watching him navigate the twists and turns that this chapter brought has made my heart so full. To say I’m proud of the human he’s becoming is an understatement.

My daughter has been on the sports field a good amount this season as well. Her position has changed. Her friend group has shifted. Her love for writing has shown itself. She rises to challenges every single day while staying true to herself. Such a unique display of confidence. I am blown away by her ability to show up authentically her in every space she enters.

Frank & I celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary on a Monday within the 2 hour practice window time allotted. A win, for us for sure!

As for me, I stepped up to my business again after taking time off to grieve the loss of my Dad. Grief. What an incredible feeling to experience. Sometimes good. Sometimes not. But overall, I am beyond thankful to have had someone in my life that brought this feeling out in me. I’ve started studying this space through the lens of curiosity and see a blog post on the subject at some point in the future. But for now, I will lovingly say, I am thankful to have been given a ticket for the rollercoaster ride that is grief. I’m also thankful to have tools in my toolbox to navigate the ups and downs that come along with it, thanks to therapy and the practice of mindfulness I practice every single day.

I’ve been on the sports field a good amount this fall. Watching my kids play. Coaching my girls lacrosse clients in individual and small group sessions. Helping our local rec lacrosse group with their fall skills practice.

Community.

If you read the last blog this word came up a good amount.

The community is a special one here. Local high schoolers volunteering their time to run stations for the lax skills sessions. Giving back to the sport that has given them so much over the years. You should see the way these players look up to them. It’s incredible. As challenging as it can be to volunteer time, the feeling I have when I leave each week keeps me coming back.

In my last blog post I talked about the idea of community and what it means to me. And how beautiful a space it can be for us as humans. We are a social species, after all. To be a part of something bigger than ourselves is in our blood.

When it’s good, it’s so good. An “us with us” mentality.

I witnessed the ability of my community coming together and supporting a few local families affected by a fatal accident. The kids involved, participating on sports teams at the high school level. Seeing the connection everyone had to those involved from different areas of the town and beyond. The way our community is woven together. Coming together to show support. It left me in awe.

We had the honor of hosting The Snyder’s (Amanda & Derrick) on the podcast to speak about their own journey of grief and loss with the passing of their son, Evan Snyder (ES20), and how beautiful it was for the community to show up two years ago (and still to this day) for them. Such an incredible example of how impactful a village can truly be. Take a listen to the Coaching Up Podcast episode here…

But there’s another side to the community that I’ve seen lately. An “us against them” mentality. Sometimes even an “us against us” mentality.

When it’s bad, it’s so bad.

I went to a few local club and high school games this fall. I witnessed negative comments from the stands directed towards referees, coaches, players, other fans. I’ve seen how the players on the field were directly impacted by the energy shift, and not for the better. How that energy shift, at times, gave permission to the players and coaches and ref to lose respect for each other.

I experienced the lack of emotional skills from so many.

There are tools to help. Mindfulness tools to raise the level of emotional maturity across the board. To elevate the experience for both players, coaches, teammates, parents, and refs.

I’ve left too many games this fall feeling like the joy has been sucked from youth sports. The experience reduced to a primal, tribal, visceral hate.

Aren’t we neighbors? Don’t we live in the same community? Do the rules of humanity stop in between the lines when the whistle blows?

When the game ends, we all enter back into our society. Is it too much to ask that we can live together, well?

I believe we all have the ability to compete at a high level. But in order to compete well we must first understand that our actions are fueled by our thoughts. To improve our actions we need to start doing some work inside to help make changes outside. To enter this space healthily.

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” Dr. Seuss

We are a society dealing with trauma. Grandparents, parents, children. Past, present, future. We have a heaviness within that becomes too much to bare and when stress enters the room? About our own child? We explode.

Surviving not thriving.

But what if I told you that we have a choice? That we all have the opportunity to thrive in this space?

All it would take, is a little bit of work to understand the trauma and be better because of. I mean, it’s not always that easy. But sometimes? Sometimes it is.

I see it with my individual mindset clients often. They have stored thoughts and feelings away in their subconscious minds that play out in real time on the field when they least want it to. Surviving.

But when we sit with those feelings and thoughts off the field away from the game and get to know them? Hold them in our hands and really understand why they are here? Curiously? We allow ourselves a choice.

Is this helping me?

If so, then continue on. I get it. We are in survival mode for a reason, after all!

But often times, when we sit and ask ourselves that simple question…Is this helping me?… The answer is no. And it’s in that space that we can pivot from surviving to thriving. Allow ourselves to relax and enter into a different area of our brain. Literally. I’ve experienced this. And it’s…freeing.

It’s here that we get to know how to live well. A tool for our toolbox in the hard. Thriving.

Want to learn more about how we can help ourselves as adults? Parents of the athletes? Bring joy back into this space of youth sports? And maybe help the next generation be better than us? Join the waitlist for a Parent Mindset Workshop coming soon!

I will be partnering with my dear friend and local therapist, Christie Polley, owner of Intrepid Counseling, to shine a light on this and more. To learn more about Christie’s journey listen to her episode on Coaching Up Podcast here…

As we enter this last portion of the fall season, I will continue to hike in the woods. Holding space to curiously see what Mother Nature is up to as she prepares for winter. My hope is that you too can curiously walk through this season getting to know the why’s. To get to know the difference between surviving and thriving in your own world. Not just for yourself, but for your kids. And your community. For generations to come.

The next time you’re on the sideline of a game and you start to feel yourself shift into survival mode, I wonder what choice will you make?

I believe it’s within this space of choice that we can grow and thrive and compete well with and against each other. Together. It’s hard but we can do hard things with the right tools.