Check on your strong friends
Twice this week, I’ve talked with incredible athletes (& humans). People who show up in their sport for their teammates, coaches, families, communities. On the outside they look like they have it all together. But what I realized this week is that as much as these strong athletes seem to be ok, they’re not. And that thought stopped me in my tracks.
I know these kids. I’ve followed their journeys in their sports careers since they were little kids. I’ve seen them grow into truly special athletes. Athletes that could really go somewhere in their sport. And as good as they are in their sport, they are even better humans. They are kind people, respectful to their coaches & teammates, they smile and talk to others around them. From the outside it appears they have it all together.
So when both athletes unloaded, in two separate individual sessions with me, some of the heavy they’ve been sitting with…well….it shook me a bit.
I’ve been sitting with this for a few days now trying to understand how I missed the signs. I’m a mindset coach. I should know these things. But for these two athletes, I missed it. And that got me thinking about how they are behaving just as we’ve trained our athletes to do. To smile. To nod. Seem perfect on the outside and not show the crumbling insides.
I know because I was that athlete.
I did the same thing in high school & college. It’s just been a minute. I forgot the silent, heavy load that our thoughts package themselves up as when we attempt to walk the life of a competitive athlete. Comparison is wild. You don’t even know who you are yet as a person. You’re figuring it all out while you look around at everyone else who appears to already have it all figured out.
And I know we’ve all been there. But can we all agree that it was hard? Like really hard to navigate those years? If we sweep it under the rug, act like it’s normal, as a society we are teaching our youth that same action as a coping skill.
The problem with that coping skill is that it doesn’t fix the problem. In fact, the problem never goes away. That lump under the rug just gets bigger and bigger and no one wants to talk about it. Maybe out of fear? Fear of judgment. Feeling weak. Athletes don’t like to feel weak. Can’t feel weak. So no one talks about it.
And when we don’t talk about the hard stuff we sit with it all alone. And that is the worst of it, right there.
The bad thoughts get bigger and worse. They grab hold of us and pull us down the vortex of negativity. Making us think we aren’t good enough. We aren’t worthy of greatness. We are alone for a reason. We’re not enough.
Shame LOVES hiding under the rug with all our problems, thoughts, insecurities we safely tuck away. Shame strengthens in the dark like that. You know what shame doesn’t like? The light. So how can we choose light?
Check in on the strong ones. The strong athletes. Teammates. Coaches. Parents. Friends. The ones who appear to be quietly crushing life. If we were to send a little note or give them a hug after practice…I believe those actions could make life altering differences. If you’re the one struggling? Reach out. Ask for help from a person you trust. It’s hard. It’s heavy. It’s vulnerable but it’s the light we need in this world.
If you’re chosen as that trusted person who the strong confide in? My advice is to practice listening to hear and not to respond. And words can be hard for athletes to find so just asking me questions like “How are you?” might be too much for them to handle if they haven’t gotten good at using their words yet. A typical response could be “Fine.” or “I Don’t Know.”
I know this because I am this. I’ve worked really hard over the past five years finding my words. It’s like a muscle. The more we use them the stronger we get. Here are some questions that might help a conversation along with an athlete that doesn’t quite know how to open up.
I see you out there doing hard things. Hard things can get heavy. How are your shoulders feeling? Anything I can do to help lighten the load?
What’s your super power in your sport right now? Kryptonite?
You’re juggling classes, performance, teammates, coaches…what are the fun things you’re juggling right now? What are some things you’d rather not be juggling right now?
Do you feel like you’re still having fun or does it feel more like pressure lately?
Is anything dimming your light at the moment?
Read the room with your strong friends. Give grace when they aren’t ready to open up but be consistently ready to listen when they are. Giving a place for a strong one to feel seen and heard is the soft win absolutely necessary to continue onward on the road to greatness.
Our society has gotten really good at appearing fine. I believe we aren’t. And if you want to change that, change your team, your community, the world…for the better! Start with checking in on your strong friends.
“A true friend is someone who lets you express your darkness but always reminds you of your light.” Jay Sherry
